My Battle with Postnatal Depression

After giving birth to Keira, postnatal depression was so far out of my mind that I didn’t even worry about it. I suffered from the usual baby blues and I felt like I was okay after that had passed. My anxiety was certainly heightened but I just got on with things. After the birth of Joshua, I don’t even remember the blues affecting me, so I just assumed that I never got them and I was okay with myself. My appearance and self-care started slacking and I never wanted to leave the house, but I put this down to my anxiety and juggling to children (it was hard finding time to myself with two little ones to look after). So I never thought more of it, I didn’t think anything was wrong when I didn’t want to get out of bed in the morning’s and when I started losing interest in activities with the children.

With 1 in 10 women affected by postnatal depression, more of us need to speak up about it. Here is my story.

After the birth of Zara, I noticed quite significantly when they baby blues hit. My anxiety went through the roof and I never noticed the blues going. I was crying a lot and I just felt like I didn’t really want to be here anymore. I kept telling myself that my children would be better off without me because at least they had a daddy and family that actually wanted to interact with them. I was only getting out of bed in the morning once Darren was ready to leave for work, and that was only because I had to get up because there was no one else to look after the children. I didn’t want to get up and spend my time with them.
I still didn’t put two and two together. I never connected the dots. Postnatal depression never even crossed my mind.
I was constantly receiving comments from strangers about how much we had our hands full and how hard it must be at home with 3 children so young. So that’s what I put it all down to, that it was hard and challenging to look after all 3 of them for the majority of the day, on my own, while Darren was at work. I knew that I was lacking in the sleep department so I put that down to my erratic mood swings.
And poor, poor Darren. I knew he was on the receiving end of things. He would get all my bad moods and he would have to put up with my crying fits. He kept mentioning how I was no longer affectionate and he was right. I didn’t want affection. I didn’t want to be touch. I didn’t want to be held or kissed. I just wanted to lock myself away, in my room, and never come back out.
That’s when I realised that I had to do something about this. My anxiety was keeping me indoors, my depression was keeping me away from my family.
I’ve been to see my GP several times now about postnatal depression, and I’m on some medication – just a very low dose. Although I don’t really feel like the medication is helping right now, I know that I’ll get there in the long run. I have a very supportive GP and she is so kind and sweet. I think that definitely helps, it means that I feel more comfortable opening up to her and telling her what thoughts are running through my mind. All the negativity. I’m yet to tell her everything, for fear of being judged, but it’s still early days so I know I will be able to at some point. It’s just a waiting game.
This is my story. This is my life. I am writing this in hope that mum’s who may be feeling the same way I do realise that it’s okay and it doesn’t mean that you’re a bad mum. It’s good to recognise the signs and to seek the professional help that you need. A wise friend once told me that a happy mum means a happy baby.
After the birth of Keira, I never once thought I would suffer at the hands of postnatal depression but I do and that’s okay.

With 1 in 10 women affected by postnatal depression, more of us need to speak up about it. Here is my story.

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  1. This was very sad to read. I often wonder if I have postnatal depression too but Oscar is 1 so I don't even know if I could possibly still be suffering.. but I resonate with quite a few things you mentioned and also haven't really thought much about it. All I know is that I really don't have my shit together as much as most mums do and most of the time want to beg my other half to stay at home with me so I am not alone in this parenting melarky all day because sometimes I really don't think I can cope by myself. My anxiety absolutely trebled throughout pregnancy and I can't leave the house on my own anymore. Parenting can be well and truly shit.

    The hardest part is admitting it and you did it! You are so very strong and your children will be very proud of you no matter what.

    I am glad you're getting the help you need and fingers crossed your medication kicks in soon. I can't imagine how you must be feeling but I am so happy to have read this post as I am going to speak to my own doctor asap too.

    If your job was even to inspire 1 person to seek help you certainly have here.

    Hugs, lovely. Remember that everything will be okay in the end even if it doesn't feel like it now X

  2. Well done for seeking help. They say that's the hardest step so hopefully things will get easier for you from now on. It's brave of you to write this all down and I'm sure it will help someone else who is suffering and doesn't realise it #bigpinklink

  3. A massive pat on the back to you Amy for seeking help and writing about PND. That's so brave and in my opinion, the hardest part. I'm glad you're feeling more positive and I'm sure things will work out soon. Just keep the faith and know you are not alone. This post will (and has, going by the comments) already served its purpose!
    Thanks for sharing with #globalblogging

  4. I don't think there is a time limit on when you can "get it" or how long it can go on for. I never have my shit together, but I think that comes with being a parent. I'm so glad that you're going to speak to your doctor about your feelings – even if it's for reassurance. As mum's, we certainly need to speak out about PND to make more mum's aware. We have to remember that having PND doesn't make us a bad parent! Hope your doctor can give you some encouraging answers and thank you for your support x

  5. Oh hun I know exactly how you are feeling. I'm feeling it too. You are so brave for seeing the GP and writing this. It is so hard to open up but once you do things slowly get better. I turned down medication and am still trying to get myself back on track. If you ever want to talk to someone who knows how you feel then I'm always around for a chat. Thanks for linking this post up to #BlogCrush xx

  6. This post made me think nothing less of you, I'm so glad you've got help for it and that you're battling on. I still think you're an amazing mum 🙂 i hope the medication starts working for you soon xxx

  7. It is ok to feel this way and i'm still getting over pnd 22 months on. If you ever want a chat or some advice you can always message me. Thanks for linking up such a moving post and I really hope things start to get better soon #globalblogging

  8. Oh gosh. How difficult it must be for you and your family. Hopefully recognising the issue will help you get the support you need. Postnatal depression is a lot more common than most people realise.

  9. Good on you for writing about this while you are still in the thick of it. I hope the medication starts to help soon. I am not a mom so can only imagine how hard it is dealing with this while having three small kids. Big hug to you.

  10. I have had it. I used to shy away from talking about it but don't anymore. It's much more common than we realise. Look after yourself lovely you will come out the other side 🙂 x

  11. It is okay. I think your post will help many others out there, who would never think of PND in the first place and think that this the new normal after kids. You're right in seeking support and yes, take care of yourself. You'll get through it. Thanks for sharing your story with #bigpinklink

  12. Darling I've been there and well done you for going to the doctors and accepting some help. I did the same and between that and being able to write, it's helped so much. You got this sweetie – if you ever want to talk please do message me xx #blogcrush

  13. Oh Amy. I suffered terribly but silently after I had my son. I didn't realise and neither did anyone else until I was very poorly. I'm so glad that you have been able to talk to your GP and I hope that your husband can understand. If you ever need to talk, please email me. Thanks for joining the #weekendblogshare

  14. A very honest and brave post to write! Getting in touch with your GP must of been difficult, how brave of you! You are setting such a positive example for other moms out there! Thank you for sharing your heartfelt post with us! Hang in there Amy!! #globalblogging

  15. Its the worst. Ive had it post baby and in pregnancy and randomly. Its hard enought without a newborn, throw kids in there and it is a serious uphill battle.

    I dont even mess around with it anymore. I go right for the meds.


  16. I got goosebumps reading this – what an honest post from the heart! It's a terrible thing but it's great you are getting some help and I hope you see an improvement. I had it with my second child – he was so well-behaved but I was so down and it was awful. You can get through it! You are so brave and I'm sending lots of love, hugs and positive thoughts!

    Thanks for linking up to #AnythingGoes


  17. Oh lovely, I'm sorry you are suffering with this but I'm so glad you got help. I really hope that you come out the other side real soon. Thanks for linking up with #TwinklyTuesday

  18. Well done for being so brave and writing this down my love, thanks so much for joining in with #TuesdayTreasures! Please try to remember to add the linky images when linking up…

  19. Oh well done for getting this down on "paper" and sharing it. I didn't have any PND with my first so I was also taken by surprise when I struggled so much more with my second.

    I'm glad to hear that your GP is being supportive and I hope that you start to feel much better very, very soon


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